That Alabama Freight Train

I don't know if it's a southern saying or not but if you don't know it, imagine what it would feel like to get hit by a moving train. Thats how I felt at Lexie's graduation party in Alabama.

After my uncle told me my dad had asked if he wanted to meet us, I sat there confused for a moment, tried to composed myself, and then I grabbed my phone to headed outside of the country club. I went to the front because no one was there and I needed space.

I couldn't breathe.

Outside of this country clubhouse stood the most beautiful trees. They could make the tallest human in the world feel small... That's my kind of tree. The grass was freshly cut and the color was the purest shade of green. If you can remember the drawings you did as a kid, this color green was the color you would use when drawing grass in those pictures. I stood there trying to comprehend what had just taken place. I look at the trees, the grass, the sky, and how the sun was just starting to set. It was truly a beautiful view. One that helped me ground myself.

Cell service out there was garbage but I tried anyway. I took my phone out of my back pocket and attempted to call my mom. "Hell yeah it's ringing! Thank God!" I thought to myself. I heard a voice on the other end of

I'm not sure how the conversation began but I remember telling her about the airport incidents and then telling her about the interaction that took place between my dad and uncle Mike. I do remember questions shooting out of my mouth as if I couldn't get them out fast enough, rapid fire style.

I began, "Mom, what is going on with dad? You kept saying it was his heart, his sleep apnea, his anxiety, his heart again but something is seriously wrong here."

Before she could get a word in I continued, "What aren't you telling me?"

My voice beginning to crack as I hold back tears in my eyes. The lump in my throat starts to ache as I try to contain my pain.

Without giving her a chance to respond I started speaking again , "I can take it. You dont need to protect me. What is wrong with dad? What aren't you telling me?!?!"

At this point I feel as if I am begging her, " Something isn't right. Something is seriously wrong here. Dad tried to introduce me to Mike!! He asked me if I wanted to meet Lexie! LEXIE, MOM!! She was in my wedding in 2016!! WHAT IS GOING ON!!?!?!!!"

When I finally stopped to take a breath, she started telling me she didn't know. She knew something was "off" but she didn't know what it was. She sounded taken back by what I was saying but she didn't seem as shocked as I was. "I don't know Amanda", she said. I continued to express my concerns and the seriousness of the situation.

I finally heard the worry come through her voice.

By her shortness of breath and the shaking in her voice, I could tell she was just beginning to realize what I had already known in the back of my mind but kept denying...

Something is wrong with dad.

He was not the same.

He was not ok and I didn't know if he would ever be ok again.