“Don’t let me die”

I've often wondered what dementia would be like. Do you know what's happening? What are you feeling? What's going through your brain? All research I've read says people who have dementia don't know what's happening and are unaware. Like most things, I guess my dad is an exception to that.

On November 23, 2023 my sister sent me a text describing an interaction she witnessed between our mom and dad. She said our dad turned to our mom and he pointed at his brain with his finger. He then proceeded to ask her, "How did I get here? How did this happen?" . While asking that he continued to point at his brain moving his finger back and forth.

During his hospital stay in January 2024, he was heavily medicated because they were trying to get his heart rate down. He couldn't formulate sentences, sit up, anything. My mom told us he looked over at her during his 2 or 3 day and said, "please don't let me die". He was there mentally. My dad was still inside of that body and brain, fighting.

I'm worried about him. He knows what is happening or at least he knew in those moments.

I wonder what he feels. I wonder what he thinks. I wonder how isolating it is. I wonder if there is anything that "triggers" him back into pre dementia brain. Is it music? I'm not sure.

I wonder if he's scared.

I'm scared.